Sunday, March 29, 2009

132 silly things done? With a twist of course Part 1

You are required to answer ALL the following questions.
Tag more than 10 people and repost it with the title:
I've done ???? out of the 132 stupid things.

LOL I am not going to tag anyone ok? What makes you think I will do so? I will also not tell you which bad things I had done but you can have your guess through my comments lol. Got this from Sushi actually.

Level 1
Smoked A Cigarette(a big no no for me)
Smoked A Cigar(if the previous was a big no for me you think this will be a yes?)
Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex(wei dad count ar? but cant remember if I did. I know I am a bad son lol)
Drank Alcohol( this one is easy. hey chinese food often has alcohol lol) if you are talking in the case of pure alcohol then I haven't been smuggling alcohol from the lab to taste lo.)

Level 2
Are / Been In Love
Been Dumped(in the dustbin? I did at once dump a guy into those DBKL big green metal dumps in a fight)
Shoplifted(confused between being shoplifted and actually does the act lol)
Been Fired(you mean getting BBQed over fire by a bunch of sakais or what?)
Been In A Fist Fight(spectators counted anot? Part of it also ma. No meh?)

Ok Now go wait for part 2 la. I am busy le.

EDIT: Go for part 2 HERE
Go for part 3 HERE
Part 4 HERE

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Of Public transport and buses(5 good ways to stop a bus)

Note: I am not responsible if you follow the advice in this post and get pwned. It's merely for the fun and joy of reading but you can always try and see if you have the luck.

Ever had one of those days when you were standing at the bus stop in a rainy day and then the bus just speed past? It's not enough that you have waited for over an hour but to make things worse, as the bus speed by, the wheels run over the puddle of water filling the landmines(we call potholes that here in Malaysia) and you get all wet? I am sure those unfortunate ones without the luxury of always having a car or enough money to get taxi would face the endless wait for buses in KL. Imagine if this is happening in the middle of the town, what could happen to those who are in rural areas?

So what can we as citizens do? Complain to the road transport minister/department/LPKP(yes there are numbers at the back of the bus and you can sms too)? Will they work? If you think so then clearly you are new to Malaysia. Actually not only will it make things go better but it will make matters worse. Imagine you making a complain and they say not enough proof. Or imagine the bus driver caught you jotting down his bus number and get his gang to wack the hell out of you(did happen before). Or the bus driver gets fired and they have less driver which could be translated to longer waiting time. These are the worse case scenarios that can happen. So thinking of complaining? Think again.

You may ask what are the solutions to this heh? I have gave this matter a thought for some time now and I have come up with some genius solutions.

1. Moving Bus Stop - If the bus doesn't stop at where you are waiting, the first is to check if where you are standing is actually a bus stop or not. Most probably it's not. So how do we solve this problem. Remember there are actually bus stop signs grounded next to bus stops? Dig them out and plant them wherever you want buses to stop. That way buses will always stop for you. Better still get a portable one like those umbrellas.

Logic - Bus will always stop at "bus stops"

Pro's - You always get the bus to stop for you(provided they don't speed off)

Con's - You get owned when the JKR or police notice you are digging the post out.
- The bus might not even notice you and speeds off again.
- Planting a bus stop sign in front of your house in a housing area wouldn't work unless you are living facing the main road but then again would you want every bus to stop in front of your house and help smog your house to ensure no aedes mosquitoes are around?

Worse - You are served a notice that "your structure was an obstruction in a public area, illegal or erected on a road reserve". Then you have 24 hours to remove the plague bus stop sign.

2. Throw stones at the bus, breaking the glass window if it speeds by you without stopping for you.

Logic - If the bus driver can't see you standing and waving then he/she shouldn't be able to see you throwing the stone at the bus. =)
- The more often their buses glass windows break, the more they will remember to stop for you.

Pro's - You get a bus with free air conditioning from the lorry speeding next to the bus. Hey at least you get your bus ride ok?

Con's - You might get caught when every other person at the bus stop points at you and you are made to act as if you are the window for the whole day. Look on the bright side. You don't have to pay for the window now.

Worse - The auntie sitting next to the window dies of heart attack when the window crashed. Oops!!

3. Put nails around the ground if you expect the bus to not stop for you.
Logic - What else will stop a vehicle on the spot other than a flat tire?

Pro's - The bus is forced to stop for you when the bus driver stops to change his tire(s).

Con's - Other vehicles using the bus lane might have a flat too and cause massive jams along the road. Longer wait for bus but it wouldn't stop for you anyway so it doesn't matter does it?

Worse - The bus has no spare tire and the other people waiting for the same bus thanks you for your great act with their umbrellas.

4. Lie in the middle of the road as the bus approaches ala Perakian lying on the road to prevent royal cars from going to the palace.

Logic - The bus driver wouldn't knock you down would he?

Pro's - You get free ticket for being mentally disabled or special discount(read worse part)

Con's - You get a summon for being a nuisance to public or for obstructing traffic.

Worse - You get runned down by a bus and end up disabled. Don't be too sad thou. You get disabled person's benefit and save on rides. Buses will always stop for you then.(no offense to the disables ok?). There is an extra pro to this if you are heading to the hospital. Read my post here
Better still you get wings in heaven (after you die getting runned over la of course) then you don't need bus to bring you around already lo.

5. Take off your clothes and jump up and down waving as the bus is approaching.

Logic - Who wouldn't slow down and look at someone naked? Works extremely well if you are a pretty girl/handsome guy or you are a senior citizen.

Pro's - You create a traffic jam and the bus stops completely and you get your ride.

Con's - The bus driver doesn't open the door for you and the drivers passing by starts to vomit at the sight of your 68 years old body.

Worse - You get sent to Tanjung Rambutan(asylum). There you wouldn't need to take a bus ride anymore would you?

An extra bonus for you guys if you want the bus to stop for you whenever you wants it to stop is to be a bus driver yourself. That you you can press the brake or oil paddle anytime you want it to move or stop for you. LoL

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Of a Dead Gold Fish and Cat/Dog poops

Warning : If you are an animal activist then this post is not for you. Read if you feel you can take a good joke.

For those who know me would know that my neighbors cat and dogs have high affinity towards the front of my house that they pooped there every opportunity they get. That's where my dog, Rocky comes into action chasing them away. Anyway at times it pisses me off when you go out and you step on those bombs. For goodness sake go clean your dog/cat's poop la. You expect me to clean for you? Maybe I will just hurl them inside the house lol. So I am thinking of a joke and here goes. Anyway DC if you reading this, don't chase me around with a stick in the BU meet ok?

There was once this little guy who was in his garden filling a hole on the ground when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the young little fella was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Jack?". "My goldfish died," replied Jack tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor then said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it, Jack?". Jack patted down the last heap of earth and replied, "That's because I couldn't get him out of your cat."

Hint*(you guys know how to get the hint?) What Jack did could happen to my neighbor's cats or dogs one of this day. I like animals but when people don't know how to take care of them, it's better to release them than to torture them.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

What happens when you leave your wife alone for the weekend

This is a real story about a man left for work one Friday afternoon leaving his wife alone at home. Since it was the payday(the day you get your salary la duuh!!), instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his guy colleagues and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally came home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Hell had no fury like a woman scorned? Wait till you read till the end lol.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

Then the idiot replied. "That would be fine with me."(guys don't follow this example because I am not responsible if anything happen to you. Hint... Missing willies overnight)

Then Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and then Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Still dunno what I am saying here? CTRL + A la

You come find me la. I show you. Make sure you have someone to fetch you back la because surely you can't drive with a swollen eyes.

Friday, March 13, 2009

25 reasons why we should appreciate our mums

Actually mums are a special breed which teach us a lot of things in life which we don't learn in class one. Don't believe me? Here is the list of why we should appreciate them. Those in brackets are my comments after I found this article on the net.

1. They taught us to appreciate a job well done.
("If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside. I had just finished cleaning in here!")

2. They taught us religion.
("You'd better pray that the stain could be removed from the shirt else ...") or better still ..("You'd better pray that the girl didn't get pregnated by you else ...")

3. They taught us about time travel.
("If you don't straighten up, I'm gonna knock you into next week!")

4. They taught us logic.
("Because I said so, that's why!")

5. They taught us more logic.
("If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me!")

6. They taught of foresight.
("Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.") or... ("I gave birth to you, so I know what you are going to do as you wag your tail") or... ("continue shaking your legs and you will have a bad future") in a Chinese way? "Yan yiu fook bok shue yiu yip lok"

7. They taught us irony.
("Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about!)

8. They taught us about the science of osmosis.
("Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.")

9. They taught us about contorionism.
("Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck?")

10. They taught us stamina.(or should it be patience?)
("You'll sit there until the veges are gone!")

11. They taught us about the weather.(forecasting and weather science for aftermaths)
("This room of yours looks like a tornado just went through it!")

12. They taught us about hypocrisy.
("If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!")

13. They taught us about the circle of life.
("I brought you into this world and I can take you out!")

14. They taught us about behavior modification.
("Stop acting like your father!")

15. They taught us about envy.
("There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!") or the more Chinese style ("Ah Boi ah! Why never finish your rice? You know hor, those people in war have nothing to eat?")

16. They taught us about anticipation.
("Just wait until we get home!")

17. They taught us about receiving.
("You are going to GET IT when we get home!")

18. They taught us about medical science.
("If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they will freeze like that!") or... ("try sticking out your tongue again then you can't put it back into your mouth")

19. They taught us about ESP.
("Put your sweater on. Don't you think I know when you are cold?") or... ("Why do you have to wear a sweater when I know you are feeling hot inside?") or... ("Don't think I don't know what you are doing in front of the computer")

20. They taught us about humor.
("When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me!")

21. They taught us about how to become an adult.
("If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up!")

22. They taught us about genetics.
("You're just like your father/grandmother/great grandmother/great...grand whatever!")

23. They taught us about our roots.
("Shut that door. Do you think you were born in a barn?")

24. They taught us wisdom.
("When you get to my age, you'll understand.") or... ("You will know how I feel when you grow older")

25. They taught us justice.
("One day, you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!") or... ("I just wish one day your kids will treat you just the same")

Feel most are true to the core? Anyone wanna add anything? Do drop me a comment lol. Anyway I am busy and still will continue to busy till don't know when. So much work to do and so little time to blog. Do bear with me and return daily to see if I have updated my blog ok? Thanks for the support guys. Do click on the ads which you found interesting. It keeps my stomach full by the way.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Super Babi! Oops! I mean baby

Okok. This is going to be a science fiction joke. Since my red cross senior got pregnant at 50++ so here is one about babies. A baby was born so advanced in development sometime in the future that he could talk right after being delivered. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you the doctor who delivered me ah?" he asked.
"Yes I am your doctor" said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you ah for taking such good care of me when taking me out."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother ah?"
"Yes dear, I am your mum" said the mother.
"Thank you ah for taking such good care of me before I was born" he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father ah?"
"Yes, I am son" his father proudly answered.
The baby then motioned him closer with his little finger. He then poked hard and repeatedly on his dads forehead with his index finger.
"Hurts, doesn't it!?"

Still don't get the joke? Go poke yourself on your head until you understand then.
Note: I am not responsible if you poke yourself too hard that your head starts to bleed lol.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Funny Name?

Ok this came from one of the red cross members who is currently in San Fran. I nearly laugh till tears came out when I heard this from him.

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, my friend being a foreigner who hasn't seen much of the Chinese culture save for the few Chinese red cross members like me filling in the blanks for him. He got fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners(You can't blame him as what we eat differs from what they have ok? Basically we Chinese can even eat snakes right from the pot). He turns around one of the corner and saw a building with the sign "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry".

"Saul Dumbrowski?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here? Saul doesn't even sound Chinese(as he remembers that I told him before we have s surname such as Lee, Chan or whatever la)". My friend being the curious cat walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. Below is the conversation between them.

Friend : How did this place get a name like "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry?
Old man : Is name of owner
Friend : Well, who and where is the owner?
Old man : Me, is right here
Friend : You? How did you ever get a name like Saul Dumbrowski?
Old man : Is simple. Many, many year ago when come to this country, stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Saul Dumbrowski.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'

Still don't get the joke? CTRL+A
Sam Ting = SAME THING la. -_-"
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