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<a href="http://kellaw.net/"> Kellaw's Funny Reads Site</a>
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Thursday, January 22, 2009
Having a cramp isn't good you know. No I am not talking about the once a month cramp here you hamsap fellas. Having the cramp is already bad. Needing to stand all the way in KTM and climb over a gate with that cramped leg does it no better good. So I think I hurt the muscle and hopefully it's not a muscle tear. It's still bloody painfull that I am wearing sports show to work today which looks odd.
So what's about BU? Well. It's been some time where I am part of this blogger social network site(about 2 weeks if I am not wrong). It's still new and in it's beta testing phase. So if you join now, I am sure you can get a lot of traffic. Trust me when I say members are starting to build up. The best part? Active members get featured(that's if you can beat my activity lol)
Ok enough about the nonsense. I will show you some screenshots.
So what are you waiting for? After Sou Chou no boat ride le. Where else can you find a monkey, cockroach(dead one don't worry), dinosaur, nyamuk(which resembles my name-find out yourself who is it la) and biawak getting together next to a dollie, an egg in curry sauce, kellogs corn flakes and beer??? You tell me la. The zoo also don't have so many variety of animals and food too. If you have problem there with the site, do contact the zoo keeper who is also part time lou pan leong of the BU restaurant and doll shop, rei99. Fai tit go my page here, then sign up. Then add me as friend la. Tell me once you joined.
Rei if you are reading this, you owe me lunch and angpau for chinese new year liao. I help you write a review on the site.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
My friend called me out for lunch in the office last week and he bought 2 cans of beer and a bottle of vodka. He very well know I don't drink so he finished it. I felt there must be something wrong and asked him about it. (come on. if I still don't know something is wrong with him when he start to down the whole bottle then there must be something wrong with me right?)
Me : Wow! you must have had a really bad day. Drink less la. If not later how to drive?
Him : Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay.
The next day he called again and bought the same drinks.
I asked him what the problem was that day and he answered back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
Today he came over again and I asked "WOW! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
Guess what's his answer?(CTRL+A)
"Yeah, my wife..."
Monday, January 19, 2009
Ah Beng gets a phone call from Ah Lian(Biawak Mui).
"Beng ah," says Biawak Mui, "I got big big big problem le."
"What problem?" replies Beng
"I buy jigsaw puzzle from supermarket and it's too hard for me le. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges. Now I cannot sleep liao because I can't finish this puzzle. Can help or not?"
"What picture lai de?" asks Beng
"It's a picture of a big chicken," Biawak Mui replies.
Beng says, "Okla, Biawak Mui, I come over now and try help you see can or not la. I don't want you ask me for medication money because you cannot sleep later"
He gets to Biawak Mui's house and Biawak Mui opens the door.
"Oh thanks for coming Beng." She leads Beng into the kitchen and shows him the Jigsaw Puzzle on the kitchen table.
Beng looks at the Jigsaw Puzzle, then turns to Biawak Mui and says, "For God's sake Biawak Mui, put the cornflakes back in the packet."
New Puzzle? Hehehe
This is in dedication of a bunch of friends in BU especially that Biawak that always call me kellogs all the time.
Nah give you guys a photo of biawak. Pretty mou?
Biawak if you are reading this, don't get angry ok? It's just a joke and I am lost for ideas liao. So many days no post. Rating dropped like mad.
Edit : - Since Biawak requested for a more "pretty" biawak then I mai go find one lo. Find find find then found one with pose one. Model Biawak. Nah. Pretty mou?
Friday, January 16, 2009
Was at the hospital doing my mandatory service hours a while ago and the topic title is what I heard a woman speaking over the phone to whoever is on the other line and then the following conversation is heard next to the room.
Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.
"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."
When he heard this, the other child started to cry too.
"Why are you crying then?" I asked.
"I'm here for a urine test."
Wuahahaha. Later sure be willieless boy liao
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I was drinking my milo in office when I receive this from a friend. My monitor nearly become the victim of milo spray. The story(retold in my own new words) is what nearly killed my monitor and covered the girl in front of me with milo.
A police forensic officer in charge homicide case arrive at a scene of what appears to be a suicide scene. 3 beautiful lady apparently jumped from the top of this very high building. Upon checking on then, the officer realized that one of them is still breathing.
He went over asd asked "Why would such a beautiful lady like you 3 would want to commit suicide anyway?"
The lady answered
"We were trying out our maxi pad with wings"
To the ladies out there, don't wack me for this ok? I am just sharing what my friend send me.
This blog invests and believes the PROXIMITY - nearness in space, time and relationships! These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.
biawak(They never say you can't send this favor back to the sender right?)
lipas(The one who started this)
3.8 inci(Sharing is caring right?)
BL Joe(Nola not GI Joe la)
Calvin Soo(Toilet award for you)
Isley(because I know you will surely read my blog one right??? Right??)
Clef(Dunno you got time or not cos you too busy planning how to torture those kindie teachers and principles)
Tekkaus(Wedding gift for you? No? Too bad la.)
Ok I am done passing the buck to people...
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Chain Letter Type 1:
Make a wish please!!!
Really, go on and make one now la!!!
Oh please,she/he'll never go out with you so stop dreaming!!!
wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of poo. It's true! Because, you know, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! I put a curse on this email and it's transferred to you.
Really!!! Here's how it goes.
Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them this stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them this stupid chain letter.
5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them this stupid chain letter.
10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
20 to 674, 951 1/2 people: 20 to 674, 951 1/2 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
you are safe from my curse...
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. First of all, you see, there is a starving little boy in HellKnowsWhereTheFuckIsThisPlace who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no willie(half half?). This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Willieless Boy from HellKnowsWhereTheFuckIsThisPlace Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1437. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many bitchy little 8 years old writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 1-5067 people in the next 7 minutes. Yes you have to handwrite them before the existence of emails or something horrible will happen to you like:
Queer Horror Story #1
Half half was walking home from school on Saturday. He+she had recently received this letter and ignored it. He+she then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poo, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did he+she smell nasty, he+she died.his Could Happen To You Too If You Don't Send This Out Immediately!!!
Queer Horror Story #2
Mr Tai Gam, a 13 year old eunuch, got a chain letter in his mail from the emperor of China and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a bull cart and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too If You Don't Send This Out Immediately!!!
Remember, you could end up like Tai Gam and Half Half did. Or you could be even worse and lose your willie like letter 2. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok(you get to keep your willie too).
Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
* A friend is someone who is always at your side,(and stabs you at the back so you can use the knive later to cut the apple)
* A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like shit,(make friends with those guys who work in an oxidation pond la)
* A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,(because they are not much different from you)
* A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,(that pretty little nurse in the hospital when you are paralysed after my car "accidentally" run you down for not forwarding this)
* A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life,(get a teddy for goodness sake)
* A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
* A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English. No! Sorry, that's the cleaning lady,
* A friend is not someone who sends you shitty chain letters because he wants his wish of his crush sucking his willie to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will screw you in your sleep or better still cut your willie if you have one!!
There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don't care, but why not show this around? Take two minutes and forward it. Thanks!
If you lose your willie or get run on by my car, it's not my fault ok? It's just coincidence.
Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it. If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from HellKnowsWhereTheFuckIsThisPlace) or nervous (i.e. Half Half who ended up in a waterfall of shit) just delete it. Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say "#$@!%#^! CHAIN LETTERS!!"
If I ever get this back from you guys in my email, I swear I don't know about the flower pot that would land on your head soon. Ok Have a good day now.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
This post is hidden. For those who had known me well would know how to view this page.
Seriously I just need somewhere to vent all my anger, stress or rants if you want to call it. I need to let go of some of the things I have been keeping or else I will explode. Eversince the year started, things had been in such a rough patch for me. Yes for fucking sake, it's only the 13th which means I had 13 days of my freaking life stressed out.
Life generally hadn't been well. I have been worried sick about my exams result that I rarely get a good night sleep and I am so freaking tired most of the time that I felt like collapsing. The stress itself is eating me inside out. I don't know if I could just hold on any longer before bursting finally.
Let's start with the first fucking day of the new year. I sprained my ankle to avoid stepping on the puppy. Watched fireworks from my window only which lasted less than 5 blast. Wished happy new year to myself and straight to bed. Next I bloody asked or should I say tried to get some intelligence on how I did in my exams from my lecturer but the way she/he(not telling you the gender) answered actually gave me more nightmare than comfort. Seriously people like this shouldn't be a lecturer at all. Well she/he is well known for his/her coolness and killing students by being fussy.
Yes, we still have this kind of lecturers. I wonder if he/she is to mark his/her own kid's paper, would it be the same? If only they would mark the papers as if the papers were their own kids' paper. Some bloody lecturers never know by being hard on the students, they are actually killing them instead. I failed a paper before so I know how it feels when I get the result. Imagine having to spend another semester to resit just that paper. This is after you have gone through hell and did what you could for the subject but still failed. How would you bloody feel? I just hope everything will go well for my exam results and I am praying hard.
Next up is work. Well I got several interviews and it's still fine that my lecturer set me up with the one offering the lowest allowance. Yes. I am fine with that as long as I don't get stressed to the max. I am already darn tulan that companies wanted me but my lecturer turn them down for me. Fine lo. Live with the decision and go on with life lo. Anyway, I am going to work to gain experience ma. I am not going to name my company here so you have to guess but I will not even give you the hint on it.
Reaching the office at 6.30-6.45 has its pros and cons but things are soon turning towards more cons for me now. When it started, I really look forward to going back to office because I can look at the view and sunrise with a lakeview. That is until the lake get so bloody stinky that I just don't want to step out there anymore and that my bloody access card doesn't allow me to get into the office as there is some problem with the machine. I am stuck outside my office reading the morning paper till the guard comes opening the door for me.
It takes 1 month for me to get an access card with my name. Previously it's a visitor tag which actually I don' mind much but it show my status towards the end of the year which pissed me off real good. Somehow interns in this company is not like interns in other company. There are no official contracts(legal binding paperwork), interns are not treated like staff(explained later) and lots more I am gonna elaborate more. Yes. I only get paid a max of 350 a month which after minusing the toll and petrol costs, interns can really eat grass there. Fine lo. Gain experience only ma.
Well still okla. Expecting my allowance at the end of the month then... I found out that the other intern hadn't even get paid after leaving the company last Friday. Imagine that the allowance is already low, not getting paid on time(delay of 2 months for the other intern) and the best part is the cost center for us interns haven't been created so we can't get out allowance yet. I am like WTF. You mean to say such a big company it takes weeks to process payment of 350 when you can budget several hundreds and maybe thousands for trips and activities on the go? What are the HR and admin guys doing? Why there is no system in handling things? The documentations should be done way before I get into the company because they have so much time before I get into the company but no. It takes them 2 months minimum and still doing the processing work(in my friends case).
It's fine when I am told that interns are not staffs (which is real strange for me as my working hour is exactly the same and fixed as a normal staff. Job scope also like an employee there) so I don't bloody belong to any group even when verbally I am attached to a unit doing things related to that unit but to not receive notices on early closing for Christmas and New Year eve, that's a little too much for me. If it's not for another collegue(mind you he is not from my dept even) informing me, I would have worked my ass there full day. Is this how they treat people nowadays or am I just the unlucky one? You don't get informed on anything happening in the company and is left out in the dark.
Fine lo you say interns not staff so we are not entitled to the company t-shirt. Then comes the company trip which in my opinion wouldn't cost the company much more extra as the bus is already chartered and there are still empty places. How much could the several meals cost? The trip would have been a better in sight for me to know more about what the company is doing and getting to know more people from the company but no, "You are not staff so you can't go". This is what they tell me after the "see la, if got empty places, we let you go but priority is to staff" and on the notice of the trip, "This expedition is open to all regardless of rank and file". Could someone explain this bloody line to me please?
Okok. Fine. I am going to Genting this Saturday anyway so I count myself lucky that I don't need to face those two faced fellas. Then something pissed me off today when one of the seniors told me actually there is a dept lunch for farewell of one of the staff and asked me if I went. I am like WTF? Why wasn't I told about it? Then I remembered I am not listed under the group in email. Fine lo. Then the excuse given was we have a budget headcount on dept outings. Does this mean if you have more people in the team, half of them can't go is it? Or is it stated in the policy that you can't go out in a group of more than certain numbers (which will make things look even more stupid when nearly the whole company will be off to the expedition this Friday)
I am poor but not that bloody poor that I can't pay for my own lunch for goodness sake. I wouldn't be so frustrated if I didn't get the obviously is an excuse thing. Fine lo. No lunch mai no lunch lo. I can afford to eat at the office canteen there and I wouldn't die of hunger. It all boils down to whether you want to do it or not and not whether you can or not because it's bloody obvious they can but just refuse to do so. Simple things can be worked out but well they chose the easy way(maybe not as I am practically pissed to the max now).
Then I was away from my desk when mandarin oranges are passed around. I saw the other staff from my unit gets 2 each and suddenly eh. Why I get one only geh? No, it's not about something which cost around RM1 here. It's about being fair to everyone. You don't treat me like staff nevermind but treating me as if I am invisible or worse is just too much lo.
Then I was trying to help at an online php site with code stubs I used for security to enhance the security settings for the site. Then some bloody hell needs to come up with "your codes only will open more loopholes and maybe you plan to hack the site?". I am like "Niamah!!! If I wanted to do that, I would have done that long ago ok? I don't fucking need to give code stubs to help enhance the security. The best part? That idiot doesn't even fucking know what he is talking about when he say the codes I give will open more loopholes. The codes I have come up with is used as security measures which are listed on security consortiums on their sites and you think they would open more loopholes? It seriously pissed me off because that idiot gained less popularity and tried to tarnish my name.
Fine lo. I just keep quiet after rebutting and I expect him to just stop making more fun out of himself. Then this morning he has to come up with "you already got a post deleted under you(referring to the "loophole" code thread). You want to get the thread shown to others?" I am like fucking by all means lol. It will only show what an idiot he himself is. I thought things will stop there but no. That idiot has to come up with new attacks as the previous one doesn't bloody work on me by saying I am showing off to gain popularity by posting the code stubs and that I create new accounts to support myself. For goodness sake, I am online from the office and had been shown online all along in the office. So how could I create another account to just support myself at the same time using one single ip address? No brains isit?
Fine if that is not enough to get me bursting, I get home and my dad says he had enough with the puppy and going to give up on having him. I am like WTF again. Seriously I am already stressed sick and to the max. I don't need anything extra to think that will really blow my mind off. I am really lost for words. I don't know what I will do if puppy was given away. I might just go nuts and run amok. Then after bathing only did I realize that I actually I sprained my shoulder-neck muscle. It's so bloody painful that I have to support my arms to type this post using a pillow. Seriously if things continue to be in this way, I might just explode. Maybe someone superior is just having fun torturing me here. Sigh.
As if all that wasn't enough, the pictures of the Israel-Gaza war victim adds to my depression. To those who know me well, you guys would know I seldom curse but my stress levels are at it's max now so mind my language here in this post. I know that vulgarity is also at it's max here but do bear with me ok?
While on a fishing trip(not gonna tell you where I went) I sat next to a teenage boy and his grandfather(or was it his father but he seem too old to be his father lol so we shall keep him as the grandpa for now) fishing together. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. How prices of mee go from several cents to tens of dollars now. How they don't have anything such as computer games. How kids used to spend more time outdoors.
Then the young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?" (Which I felt like telling him that then the medical science isn't that advanced yet so people die of "unknown" causes)
Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring." I controlled my laughter hearing what the old man says. After that all I heard was silence while we all continued fishing till the young man speaks again. He said that a recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week. He asked his grandpa if he talked to his wife that little after they are married.
What the old man answered was classic. He said "Just how long do you think it takes to say "Um" or "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry"? I went speechless. I think the old man is still happily married to his wife. Hahahaha. Anyway enough of reading. Go work now.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Paramedics are given certain time to go in to help and help the people but there’s a catch there. There is a timeline for the operation. After the stipulated time, they don’t bloody care if medics, doctors or whoever it is, is inside the zone. They will just resume all those firepower and bombard the hell out of the place. How much people can be helped in such situation? You tell me now. I heard the numbers of doctors crossing the Egyptian border is also limited due to “security reasons”.
What is even crueler is that the situation creates an adverse psychology on the people there. It’s like when you are in the fight with someone more superior. You get bashed down and then that guy allows you to get some medical attention so you get a little better to fight again. Then the same shit happens over and over again.
The best part is the aggressive side is having firepower and firearms support from their big brother who claims to be bloody righteous when it comes to the Iraqi situation that they have to hang their leader to allow the world to continue spinning. In the end what happened? Sorry, we made a mistake. There are no weapons actually?
Do we just slap the hell out of someone and then tell that person sorry that you made a mistake? So now they are left with an inevitable civil war for a very long time between the 2 major fractions. I seriously don’t know what will happen as the big brother have already set one side with firearms.
All for the greed of wealth that causes all these killings. The dark side of the human mind can really be impressive in terms of violence and in terms of getting whatever they want even at the cost of human lives. A person killed is a person deprived of their living. No one should deprive another person to lead a normal life. I really don’t condone violence and the taking of another person’s life. It’s downright cruel. No matter what a person does, he/she still have the rights to live. This includes criminals. Put them into prison if you fear the safety of others but killing is never the way.
How worse could things be from now on? Why are the bigger countries not doing anything but sitting their ass out. Shouldn’t those bigger countries like China, Russia and some major firepower producers get together and pressure that big brother up the wall to stop? There is always still hope but this hope is really fading fast as the minute pass by.
Photos from icrc.org
However, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher who seems to be a nice guy. "Tak apa! Saya pack baru dan besar punya. Lu balik selepas shopping. Mesti ada" (Nevermind. I'll pack some new and bigger ones for you and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.)
I saw the chickens too but notice they were small so there ain't any bargain which I would buy so off I go shopping at the other racks and aisles. Several aisles later, I heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me back at the fresh meat counter please."
I burst out laughing so hard that I have to squat there on the floor because I can no longer stand after the laughing so hard that my stomach started to ache. I wanted to actually go to the counter and see the woman's reaction but I was already in que at the check out counter.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
A little girl once asked her dad, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
Sounds familiar? Sounds like some government we know right? Where got? Got mea? No mah. Case closed lo.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
This is what we call burn down the whole forest just for one tree. I know some people with this kind of mentality that they can't see others being successful.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
Ah! This one is classic. They torture you till you admit even when you didn't do anything. Sounds familiar? Ok. I will be away for 3 days from now so there will be no post till then. Leaving you guys to your thoughts.
Malaysian signboards being Malaysian signboards, they usually lead you to no mans land and my very mistake? Forgetting to get the map of the place which I usually do as I was expecting the driver to know the place. After an hour drive in the kancil going at 50km per hour(imagine how the ride would be like?), we found ourself lost in one of the villages.
Fine. The first sign that we are lost, we being the intelligent ones stopped and asked for directions from one of the stalls. Below is the conversation:-
Me : Kak, Tahu FRIM macam mana nak pergi?(do you know how to go to FRIM)
Kak : Tak tahu.(nope)
Fine then, I just get back into the car and while my friend started the engine and moved about 100 meters, I saw the old lady standing at the road with an old man waving at us. We thought the old man would have known the direction and we turned back.
Me : Kak, kenapa? Tahu jalan ke FRIM dah?(Why? You know the road to FRIM already?)
Kak : Tak. Suami saya(pointing to her husband) pun tak tahu juga(Nope, Even my husband doesn't know)
Me : Kenapa melambai pula?(Why wave at us then?)
Kak : Nak beritahu suami saya pun tak tahu(Wanted to inform you that even my husband doesn't know)
Me(in head) : &*^*&^^&$^$#&^!@##_&*^
I told my friend what happened and he felt like strangling the old lady. So much so for asking for direction. When we reached the place, My friend started this stupid joke. I am recalling my best to tell it here.
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs until he falls heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and falls the ground heavily again.
The little turtle insisted again and again after each fall, while a bird couple sitting at the edge of a branch, looking at the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male:
Guess what is said? (answer hidden in CTRL + A)
"Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Long long time ago, in a kingdom far far away... *slaps - it's in Malaysia la. In fact it's in KL. Not a fairy tale ok? Ok back to the story liao.
The tale started when we are in a blow water(bragging) session over mamak. One of the guys started talking about getting laid and suddenly..... here's the fun part.
One fella(not gonna name him because he knows where I stay. I don't want to come home to ashes of my burnt house lol) said he went to this wild party organized by a friend of his. Since it's a wild party organized by a guy, you would have expected that there are more girls than blokes. So the usual drinking started.
My friend so claimed that he was drunk and no longer sober after the XXth mug(hell knows how much drug was used there). All he remembered was a girl carried him to the second floor and raped him. Imaging a girl carrying a dead corpse(that's his condition as he claims then). How many girls can actually carry a corpse 80kg in weight? So what is the first thing that comes into mind? Use some imagination here and your common sense too.
Oh yeah. I forgot to add the detail that he is so sure that the girl raped him then and there. He also claims to have back pain and pain on his privates in the morning after getting raped. So have you come to a conclusion on what actually happened? My friend claimed that it's a hot pretty chick.
Come on. It can't be that hard right?
*mmph* You take my breath away, darling. (reminds me of the Top Gun song - tube below)
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Try spelling Evian backwards. ----> NAIVE
Ok Ok. Back to the topic
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know him? Because he is my old boyfriend'
'I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'(Snow White's dwarfs)
And then the fight started.....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I
take her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station.....
And then the fight started....
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first."I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
And then the fight started....
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And then the fight started ...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I
watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was
gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as
well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other is the husband.
Ps. The above are all copied and not work of mine. Just find them funny.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Ps if you still don't get the story, click CTRL+A
That idiot pooped in his pants la. I am speechless now....
Monday, January 5, 2009
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad. Whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail. And then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
I wonder what will happen if this incident happens in Malaysia? This is a true story that a friend somewhere around the world told me or at least that is what my friend claimed la. Source of the story? Unknown.
Naughty puppy in action. Dunno he looking what also.
Cute bo? Wanna use his picture need to give me royalty one. Hey the dog feed also expensive le.
Another one. Remember give me royalty when you copy ok? I know who you are.
Another cute one
Sleepy dog. Notice 1 eye is always open?
Should name him sneaky dog liao
Apa pandang? Give me food la.
Wei ah. Hungry liao. I want food
Sunrise at my working place.
Proven I am always early to work.
The color is calming
Actually it's quite cooling when you are at the balcony
What time better than having coffee in front of this scenery?
And bread too. This had been my lunch for the past week. See la. Pokai liao due to recession
My unbroken high score? Want to challenge? Go Midvalley Jusco after work.
My Christmas present. 2 candy cane and a designers cupcake.
How kids actually managed to bully me
I am serious. They all pakat take all balls and 4 fella throwing it in one after another. The best thing is they are all standing on the machine.
Turtle at work. I am thinking of Guai Lian Gao when I saw him. Too bad la. I don't have pot at my office. Hahaha. Else he will be the victim.
Monarch butterfly. Seen them several times but 1st time on my finger and it' s also my first time looking at them breaking out of their coccoon.
Sunrise by the lake. (at my workplace)
Where to find this kind of places?
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Then a guy near him says "Yes, you are right there. It's shit that you stepped on"
The other people at the bus stop laughed till their stomach burst and we have another session of happy tree friends.
Happy New Year guys
Ps. It's a sad new year for me because I just twisted my ankle. Sigh. And some shit just happened...