Friday, February 27, 2009

How to answer when you are fed up

As some of you know, I am at Penang the past few days and haven't been getting any good rest since my arrival. I had been really busy that I didn't even have the time to blog here. Getting less than 4 hours of sleep daily to those who may know me would know that I would turn grumpy easily. Heck you don't want to disturb me when I am grumpy. Yes the worse is I will turn green and tell you "You don't want to make me angry!" like below.


So there was this guy asking me something while I was overloaded with stress rushing my report. Below is the conversation between us.

Guy : Hey, you know fastest way go to hospital anot?
Me : Just walk straight from here and turn right at the first junction. Walk straight till you see the hospital.
Guy : Far anot?
Me : 30 minutes walk
Guy : Har!!! So far ar?
Me : Take taxi lo
Guy : Taxi so expensive lea
Me : ...Take a bus lo(Getting fed up and the temperature of my head is approaching boiling point)
Guy : Bus have to wait very long and maybe later no bus sumore. Got fast and cheap way anot? Better if free one la. (obviously a cheapscate who expects me to fetch him there la but too bad I don't have any mode of transportation here other than walking or tumpang cars)
Me : You want a fast and cheap way go to the hospital? You see this road out here?
Guy : Ya!!
Me : Walk out there. Wait at the road side. Wait for a car to come near.
Guy : Then? (looking extremely interested)
Me : Then ar? Jump out as the car is nearing lo. I will help you call the ambulans. Sure fast and no need pay money for ambulans since it's the general hospital.
Guy : (walks away)

Yes, I may sound bad in this case but he basically asked for it. Too bad lol since I am not in a good mood.

Moral of the story? Don't bloody disturb someone when you see they are busy and stressed to the max. Learn to know when people are approaching their boiling point and also there is nothing free/cheap which is also good. You want something good and fast be prepared to pay the price.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Better to be twins? Read on

Identical twins escape death penalty

KUALA LUMPUR: A pair of identical twins was acquitted and discharged by the High Court here Friday of drug trafficking because of difficulty in identifying which of the two was in possession of the drugs five years ago.

Justice Zaharah Ibrahim, who described the case as unique, said that although R. Sathis Raj and R. Sabarish Raj, 27, looked alike and had identical DNA, which made it difficult to differentiate between them, there was no doubt that one of them was the culprit.

”My job, as required by the law, is to determine whether the prosecution has succeeded in establishing a prima facie against the two accused. In this case, both are identical twins.

”Arresting officer Chief Inspector N. Sekaran, when identifying the first twin, was sceptical, but when asked by counsel, said that he needed some time and yet was still not so sure when identifying the first twin.

”A member in the arresting team, Kpl Mohamad Sidek Paiman, at first could not identify, but later asked for both the twins to stand and said there was a difference in their height. However, he identified the first twin as the one wearing spectacles.

”The question is, which of the twins was arrested first. Is it the one wearing the spectacles because at the time of arrest both were not wearing spectacles.

”Mohamad Sidek said he only identified them from the shirts they wore on that day,” she added.

Sathis Raj and Sabarish Raj were charged with their brother, R. Deva Raj, 43, now deceased, with two counts of trafficking in 166,336gm of canabis and 1,762gm of raw opium at a house in Jalan SS 2/19, Petaling Jaya, at about 4.05pm on Aug 5, 2003. Justice Zaharah said that based on the testimonies by the two policemen, there were doubts and the prosecution had failed to determine which of the twins was in possession of the drugs.

“One of the accused should be called to enter his defence but the question is which twin, because even the DNA cannot be used to determine the identity. On the day of the incident, both were not wearing spectacles. Otherwise, that could have been used as a basis for Mohamad Sidek to identify the first twin.

She said that although one of them was indeed in possession of the drugs, she was acquitting both because she could not afford to send the wrong person to the gallows.

After Justice Zaharah delivered her judgment, the twins, both clad in white shirts, cried and hugged each other.

Deputy public prosecutor Rosidah Abu Bakar prosecuted while counsel Gurbachan Singh appeared for the twins. - Bernama

Source: The Star Online

Note: I wonder what happened to fingerprints lol. Moral of the story? Don't leave fingerprints and wear the same shirt all the time when you want to commit a crime. Ps:- I am not liable should you try to do anything against the law nor do I condone the commitment of crimes.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Ten Things Men Know About Women

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.
.
....
.......
..........
.............
10. They have breasts.(or ...you should know what I am going to say here)


Wuahahaha! Sorry guys. I know this is a lame and short one but I just came back from Pangkor and I am dead tired. Still need to rush my report.

Friday, February 20, 2009

To the CCB who plagiarize from my blog

You know who you are. You can hide in Maple Story but you can't hide for long. Do respect other peoples ideas ok? Come out with your own jokes and not take what I bloody wrote here. I am giving you a final warning. Don't make me go after you and let everyone know that you are a parasite and make you lose face. KNNMCCB!!!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

3 Guys and a Cheating Wife

Yes this is another heaven story. Sorry la guys. I got too religiously infected by the Mitch Albom book on The 5 people you meet in heaven.

Three guys died. Yes I mean they died. I always kill them in my writings, don't you guys notice? And the numbers of idiots who dies are always 3 lol. So lets go back to the story then. They finally got to the pearly gates after they got killed by Kellaw(Yes I am ganas. I killed them with my laptop)

St. Peter so kesian them then go to the gates to meet them and said, "I want you guys to know that you guys are forgiven because you're here(after being killed by Kellaw violently. Wuahahaahah!!). Before I could let you guys into Heaven, I have to ask you some questions. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get here in heaven and you have to have a car because Heaven is so big!"

Handsome Peter ask the first guy. Okok. Not handsome Peter. Old Peter then. "How long were you married?"

He answered "24 years."

He ask again "Have you ever cheated on your wife before?"

The guy said, "Where got no cheat one? Sure got la. 7 times but then hor, you say I forgiven rite?"

Peter said, "Yeah forgiven, but that's not too good lo cos you cheated. Here's a kancil for you."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter Pan (no meh? surely he can fly in heaven ma. Don't argue with me now lol.) and says, "I marry for 41 years liao and cheat only 1 time, but then hor that was our first year together ma, so in the end also I prove we really loving couple le."

Peter Mangkuk says, "Oklo since you good boy. I give you new Proton Saga".

Then the third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you going to ask liao. I married for 63 years and never even look at another woman le!(blind liao how to see? I stabbed his eyes remember?) I treat my wife like a queen also!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Porshe!"

A little while later, the two guys with the Taufu and Milo Tin car saw the guy with the Porshe crying on the golden sidewalk. So they went to see what happened to him(good bro liao ma after I send them all to heaven. See I so good send to heaven and not to hell).

When they asked hin what was wrong, he said,


"I just saw my wife just now. She on a skateboard only!"

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

An obese 300kg man went to see a doctor with complains of chest pain and was ordered to lose at least 75 kg or risk dying of heart attack. As he wondered how the heck he would ever be able to do it, he came across an advertisement in the newspaper for a "GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM".

"Garenti. Ya light!" he say in disbelieve but being desperate already, he called them up and subscribed the 3-day/10kg weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock on his door and when he answers, a 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes with a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After he is satisfied and done with her, he thinks to himself, "I like the way dis company do bisnes le!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10kg as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20kg program. The next day there's the knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but a pair of Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door and after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20kg as promised. He decides to go all out and calls the company to order the 7-day/50kg program. "Are you sure you want dis ar?" asks the representative on the phone. "Dis is our most rigorous program le."

"Of cos I want it la. If not why I call? To date you mea?"he replies, "I haven been fellin so good in years just like the feel good channel le".

The next day there's the knock on his door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but a pair of pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

"If I catch you, you're mine!"

Monday, February 16, 2009

Do ask for favors but know when to stop also la..

Note :- This post is dedicated to 3.8. Moral of the story in the end.

No I am not going to start my story with "Long long time ago in a kingdom far far away" even if it's a fairy tale. So here it is.

There once was this guy that couldn't get laid because he had a 25-inch long you know what! Still don't know? Check inside the pants of your dad or boyfriend or if you are a guy, check your own pants la. Check whether it's still there or not because you seems to have left your brains somewhere. If brains can be left somewhere, that thing also can go missing. Wuahahaha!!!

After being so hungry(not the stomach hungry la for goodness sake), he decides he has to get it shortened. He goes to the local doctor and says, "Loctor, You leally leally leed to help me dis time. No ah lian will ever sleep with me because I hab a 25 inch thing. I leed to get it shorter"

After a few minutes intense examination, the doctor delivers the bad news. "Look man, I'm sorry but yours is so bloody long and huge. I can't possibly reduce it unless I take a saw and saw it off which will cause you pain and give you the erectile dysfunction."

The man says "Choi! like that I come find you for wat? Saw off liao den can't use liao. Then I mai very cham?"

Doc says "Be patient la. I can't help you but I can give you the location of a witch that lives in the nearby woods that can help you out."

Then the guy goes into the woods and finds the witch lo. If n0t? Go jungle BBQ mea? "This is what you need to do," the witch says. "Go a little further into the woods and you'll come to a pond. There'll be a frog there that can talk. Everytime you ask the frog to marry you and he says no, your thing will decrease by five inches."

Off he goes again into the woods until he comes across a pond and sees the frog. "Froggy oh froggy," he yells, "Will you marry me?" The frog rolls his eyes and yells "No! I am a male frog for goodness sake".

The man looks at his thing and sees that it has decreased to 20 inches. Again, the man yells to the frog, "Froggy oh froggy, will you marry me?" The frog rolls his eyes and goes "Hell No! I own a thing too and I need my princess. Not another bloke with a thing" Now his thing is down to 15 inches, and he figures 10 is ideal. So once more he yells, "Froggy oh froggy, will you marry me?"

The frog looks up one last time and says, "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, IDIOT? NO! NO! NO!"

Moral of the story? Be content with what you have or you will just cry when you lose them. In this case 3point8, be content you have 3.8. think of those who doesn't have any. Hahaha. Just joking so don't angry ok? Happy birthday dude!!!-17 Feb 2009.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Don't be cruel to birds or attempt to kill them

Three bugger dies and goes to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls in heaven.

He asks "Why? Why me and her for several times"

St. Paul got fed up with his constant nagging and replies "When you were nine, you killed a bird with a stone."

The same happens to the second guy. He asks why too.

St. Paul then replies "When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone too."

The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that or else I would be stuck like you guys.''

He is actually handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven.

The other two guys just couldn't get it so they ask "Why? Why he gets the prettiest girl around?"

St. Paul replies "That is because when she was nine, she killed a bird with a stone."

Can't get the joke? Click CTRL + A(select all)

That is because the guy is the ugliest guy around la. -_-" swt!!!

Moral of the story? Don't be too happy about things if you don't know the whole situation yet!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Rabbits

The following actually happen in an interview for a position of an assistant accountant. The first interview the potential candidates is an aptitude test which tests the candidate's ability to do simple maths. So there was this candidate named Sandy(name changed though I feel like naming her Sadny).

Interviewer : If hor, I gib you two lebits hor, then two lebits hor, and another two lebits. How many lebits have you got?
Sandy : Sehben!(seven)
Interviewer : No no no, listen carefully lar. If hor, I gib you two lebits hor, then two lebits hor, and another two lebits. How many lebits have you got?
Sandy : Sehben lok. Sehben!!!! How many times you want me say Sehben?
Interviewer : Ok Ok Ok. Let's try dis in another way. If hor, I gib you two bottle of beer, then two bottle of beer again then another two bottle of beer, how many bottle of beer you got?
Sandy : Six bottle lo. So easy nia.
Interviewer : Good! Now, if hor, I gib you two lebits hor, then two lebits hor, and another two lebits. How many lebits have you got?
Sandy : Sehben!
Interviewer : ^%*(^$%@@$!$&^&^!!!! How on earth did you work out that three lots of two lebits is sehben?
Sandy : I already got one lebit at home ma!

The interviewer fainted after that and had to be sent to hospital in fear that he would get a heart attack and die in the office.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Pants on fire while it's down

I was at my friends place some time ago and he is one who always bragged about how many girlfriends he has outside. Oh. By the way he has is married. We were having tea at his place because of some "business" proposals to settle. He was seating quietly reading his morning paper drinking coffee with me. Suddenly, his wife came from behind with a frying pan and almost knocked him senseless then and there.

Friend : What was that for? You know pain one anot?

Wife : Why do you have a piece of paper in your coat pocket with "Daisy" written on it?

Friend : Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago before the Chinese New Year when I went to the horse races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on.

His wife was satisfied with his answer and apologized for wacking him.

This morning I went to his place and the same thing happened. The wife came with a frying pan also and wacked him so hard on his head that he can barely stand up after that.

Friend : What is this for this time?

Wife : Your horse called.(PWNED!)

Moral of the story? Don't play 3 play 4 (commit adultery/cheat on your wife/gf/partner)

Friday, February 6, 2009

Medical Farking Problem & A Unique Patient

My friend who works as a doctor at the hospital told me about this "unique" patient the other day. The conversation was something like the below.

My friend : What seems to be the problem with you young man?

Patient : Doc, I've got this farking farting problem. I mean I fark fart all the time.

My friend(nods) : Hmm....

Patient : Then hor, my farts don't stink and you can't hear them one le. It's just that I fart all the time non stop one. Look, we talk so long liao here for about 10 minutes and I fart five times liao. You didn't hear or smell them right doc?

My friend : Hmm....(then picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.)

Patient(looking excited) : Wah you very panai le doc. No need check me already know what's wrong with me. You write there the medicine will it really solve my fart problem ah?

My friend : No, this prescription is for medicine to clear your sinuses problem. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test also. Here(hands the prescription). Below this is a slip for the appointment.

Nurse(rushing out giggling non stop)


Side Note: Don't worry Blue. This post not about you yet!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Strange Dream....Again(déjà vu)

I am supposed to post this up earlier but sadly my sickness had gone from bad to worse. Now I am having the combination of flu, cough, chronic sore throat and fever. What else can go worse than the extent of coughing whole night and I can't bloody sleep? Like I said. Since the starting of the year till now, life had been tough for me. Sigh. Never mind, lets go straight to the point of the title.

Last night I didn't really sleep much but had the opportunity to dream a real short dream. I woke up and started recalling what I actually dreamed from start to end. It started where there were sports playing people around me and then I am like one of the higher rank guy around there. I saw a woman or a girl(can't be sure as I am thinking from the other side of my brain memory which is inaccessible to my brain when I am sober) getting a pile of metal windows and panes. She asked me to help saying "they(I don't know the they are referring to who actually) might be coming soon" and that pile is not plastic nor has holes which she can tie them together.

Somehow I got away without helping but before I went off I touched the panes to see them. Then I was led into a room which is divided into 2 by a partition of a wall with a window (it's like 2 rooms which have a connecting window. I see a guy sitting there on my side holding a piece paper with another standing behind him interviewing the guy in the next room.

The problem is when I looked into the other room through the window, I can see the same man holding the paper half out of the wall to the other side interrogating the guy on the other room. Then somehow I left the room to another room. This room I see another guy in front of a blue water basin. in the basin there is something la which I can't remember what? As he pour ice cold water from another pail, a figure started to form in the basin from small to a large object. It's like hollow man. An ugly old lady started to form in the basin. Imagine at that kind of situation, wouldn't you be scared?

The man then asked me to pour the cold water slowly. I think I was somehow lazy, I poured the whole pail of cold water in and the man shook his head. The old lady turned into a young lady. Then I got out of the single story complex with my bag afraid that the young lady might follow me. I actually read some mantra in my dreams while getting away from the complex. The young lady turn up at the door behind me and looked at me. I don't know why but I stopped there.

She chased up to me. Somehow I asked her how she know I can see her (I don't know why I said this but with the question I already suspected she is a ghost actually. If not how do you explain the basin incident?). She never answered me but instead told me that she was lost in the deep sea and someone came to pick them all up (which I suspect she is one of those that died in the sea and I am one of those who retrieve her kind of souls from the sea). Then she asked if she could hold the handle of my bag and follow me. I don't know why I agreed but I did. The asking of holding the handle of my bag was dreamed by me many years ago.

In the dream before she would go missing after holding the handle of my bag for a while. The latest dream is like the earlier part of my old dream. Just as she hold the handle and walk with me in the recent dream, I already woke up. I still don't understand why this dream came to me again but I think there's a reason to it so I am writing it down here so I can remember. It's very strange that I could remember this dream so well and clear and this had happened the second time (like I remembered my first dream)

Anyone had the same experience as I did? Or anyone could decipher what my dream mean. Do leave me a comment ok? On another note, I remember there's this camp where we are jungle tracking late at night. I don't remember or know why but we used a white candle instead of a torch light to find our way out of the place. Like trained scouts are used to do we do headcounts every now and then. There are about 8 of us. When a headcount is done, there are 9. I am like shit. Where the 9th came from? I thought I am tired and blurr so I didn't bother. As long as there are 8 then we are all safe.

Then we continued our journey for a while and I did the headcount again. This time I said the numbers aloud. I asked them to not move and remain static. One, Two, Three......Eight, Nine. The moment I said nine, some are already panicking asking me not to play jokes on them at that time. I am like, don't believe me then you come count la. Then one of us came and do the counting. One, Two....Eight, Nine, Ten. He counts again and said "Stop it. Don't you guys move around when I am counting". He counts again the same number came out. Then I am like, Sh!t. I didn't make a mistake then because he also counted more than 8.

It's then we realize that the candle I am holding is a white one which means I am showing the way out for them (the spirits) to get out from the jungle. It means they are following us all along. So we put out the candle and had the run of our life. I am still young then ma. We manage to keep track by the voice of our group footsteps and all went out in safety. The day after, the whole group fell sick except me. Coincidence? Go try yourself and you will see. Don't copy my post here as this post is my real experience and copyrighted. Do comment if you feel attracted to my writing here.

After you have read what I write here, go to my post here at night and enjoy yourself. Remember play the game ok?

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

What happens when your pastor hates you

This is a real life story told by my friend to me a while ago that happened in one of the western country.

He has a friend who was named Paul(name changed) who had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, in a near death condition waiting for his time. The family called their pastor to stand with them.

As the pastor stood next to the bed, Paul's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Paul used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

Several days later, at the funeral, as the pastor was finishing the eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Paul had died.

He said, "You know? Old Paul handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Paul, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube moron!"

Inspired? Now go back to work.
I will be posting less because I have been sick since chinese new year and things aren't going any better for me.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Software Development Process

I came across this from my programmer friend. I guess the whole thing is true because it happens right here in my office.


1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team
2) Announce availability
3) Write the code
4) Write the manual
5) Hire a Product Manager
6) Spec the software (Writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)
7) Ship
8) Test (The customers are a big help here. Doesn't this sound like one of the big company which produce the software you are using right now?)
9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements
10) Announce the upgrade program (sounds familiar like Microsoft right?)

I think this one is true for big companies but with the addition that they fire the old manager and rehire new ones after each cycle.


Ok This just came in from a friend who read this post the moment I post this up. Thanks Mike for sharing

"2 hours of broadband to ftp the Linux package, 15 cents.

CD's to burn the files, RM 1.

The knowledge that nothing on your computer is from Microsoft, priceless.

There are some operating systems that you don't need money to buy.

For everything else, there's Microsoft."

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