Fuck!ng Stressed!

Warning: Vulgarity ahead! Proceed at your own risk

This post is hidden. For those who had known me well would know how to view this page.

Seriously I just need somewhere to vent all my anger, stress or rants if you want to call it. I need to let go of some of the things I have been keeping or else I will explode. Eversince the year started, things had been in such a rough patch for me. Yes for fucking sake, it's only the 13th which means I had 13 days of my freaking life stressed out.

Life generally hadn't been well. I have been worried sick about my exams result that I rarely get a good night sleep and I am so freaking tired most of the time that I felt like collapsing. The stress itself is eating me inside out. I don't know if I could just hold on any longer before bursting finally.

Let's start with the first fucking day of the new year. I sprained my ankle to avoid stepping on the puppy. Watched fireworks from my window only which lasted less than 5 blast. Wished happy new year to myself and straight to bed. Next I bloody asked or should I say tried to get some intelligence on how I did in my exams from my lecturer but the way she/he(not telling you the gender) answered actually gave me more nightmare than comfort. Seriously people like this shouldn't be a lecturer at all. Well she/he is well known for his/her coolness and killing students by being fussy.

Yes, we still have this kind of lecturers. I wonder if he/she is to mark his/her own kid's paper, would it be the same? If only they would mark the papers as if the papers were their own kids' paper. Some bloody lecturers never know by being hard on the students, they are actually killing them instead. I failed a paper before so I know how it feels when I get the result. Imagine having to spend another semester to resit just that paper. This is after you have gone through hell and did what you could for the subject but still failed. How would you bloody feel? I just hope everything will go well for my exam results and I am praying hard.

Next up is work. Well I got several interviews and it's still fine that my lecturer set me up with the one offering the lowest allowance. Yes. I am fine with that as long as I don't get stressed to the max. I am already darn tulan that companies wanted me but my lecturer turn them down for me. Fine lo. Live with the decision and go on with life lo. Anyway, I am going to work to gain experience ma. I am not going to name my company here so you have to guess but I will not even give you the hint on it.

Reaching the office at 6.30-6.45 has its pros and cons but things are soon turning towards more cons for me now. When it started, I really look forward to going back to office because I can look at the view and sunrise with a lakeview. That is until the lake get so bloody stinky that I just don't want to step out there anymore and that my bloody access card doesn't allow me to get into the office as there is some problem with the machine. I am stuck outside my office reading the morning paper till the guard comes opening the door for me.

It takes 1 month for me to get an access card with my name. Previously it's a visitor tag which actually I don' mind much but it show my status towards the end of the year which pissed me off real good. Somehow interns in this company is not like interns in other company. There are no official contracts(legal binding paperwork), interns are not treated like staff(explained later) and lots more I am gonna elaborate more. Yes. I only get paid a max of 350 a month which after minusing the toll and petrol costs, interns can really eat grass there. Fine lo. Gain experience only ma.

Well still okla. Expecting my allowance at the end of the month then... I found out that the other intern hadn't even get paid after leaving the company last Friday. Imagine that the allowance is already low, not getting paid on time(delay of 2 months for the other intern) and the best part is the cost center for us interns haven't been created so we can't get out allowance yet. I am like WTF. You mean to say such a big company it takes weeks to process payment of 350 when you can budget several hundreds and maybe thousands for trips and activities on the go? What are the HR and admin guys doing? Why there is no system in handling things? The documentations should be done way before I get into the company because they have so much time before I get into the company but no. It takes them 2 months minimum and still doing the processing work(in my friends case).

It's fine when I am told that interns are not staffs (which is real strange for me as my working hour is exactly the same and fixed as a normal staff. Job scope also like an employee there) so I don't bloody belong to any group even when verbally I am attached to a unit doing things related to that unit but to not receive notices on early closing for Christmas and New Year eve, that's a little too much for me. If it's not for another collegue(mind you he is not from my dept even) informing me, I would have worked my ass there full day. Is this how they treat people nowadays or am I just the unlucky one? You don't get informed on anything happening in the company and is left out in the dark.

Fine lo you say interns not staff so we are not entitled to the company t-shirt. Then comes the company trip which in my opinion wouldn't cost the company much more extra as the bus is already chartered and there are still empty places. How much could the several meals cost? The trip would have been a better in sight for me to know more about what the company is doing and getting to know more people from the company but no, "You are not staff so you can't go". This is what they tell me after the "see la, if got empty places, we let you go but priority is to staff" and on the notice of the trip, "This expedition is open to all regardless of rank and file". Could someone explain this bloody line to me please?

Okok. Fine. I am going to Genting this Saturday anyway so I count myself lucky that I don't need to face those two faced fellas. Then something pissed me off today when one of the seniors told me actually there is a dept lunch for farewell of one of the staff and asked me if I went. I am like WTF? Why wasn't I told about it? Then I remembered I am not listed under the group in email. Fine lo. Then the excuse given was we have a budget headcount on dept outings. Does this mean if you have more people in the team, half of them can't go is it? Or is it stated in the policy that you can't go out in a group of more than certain numbers (which will make things look even more stupid when nearly the whole company will be off to the expedition this Friday)

I am poor but not that bloody poor that I can't pay for my own lunch for goodness sake. I wouldn't be so frustrated if I didn't get the obviously is an excuse thing. Fine lo. No lunch mai no lunch lo. I can afford to eat at the office canteen there and I wouldn't die of hunger. It all boils down to whether you want to do it or not and not whether you can or not because it's bloody obvious they can but just refuse to do so. Simple things can be worked out but well they chose the easy way(maybe not as I am practically pissed to the max now).

Then I was away from my desk when mandarin oranges are passed around. I saw the other staff from my unit gets 2 each and suddenly eh. Why I get one only geh? No, it's not about something which cost around RM1 here. It's about being fair to everyone. You don't treat me like staff nevermind but treating me as if I am invisible or worse is just too much lo. Then I saw the malay girl in front of me which is not from my unit having one but I am not going to accuse or ask lo. For what? It's only an orange ma but it really piss me off that all these shit are happening lo. I am seriously considering a resignation Ala latifah style (those in the office would know what I mean).

Then I was trying to help at an online php site with code stubs I used for security to enhance the security settings for the site. Then some bloody hell needs to come up with "your codes only will open more loopholes and maybe you plan to hack the site?". I am like "Niamah!!! If I wanted to do that, I would have done that long ago ok? I don't fucking need to give code stubs to help enhance the security. The best part? That idiot doesn't even fucking know what he is talking about when he say the codes I give will open more loopholes. The codes I have come up with is used as security measures which are listed on security consortiums on their sites and you think they would open more loopholes? It seriously pissed me off because that idiot gained less popularity and tried to tarnish my name.

Fine lo. I just keep quiet after rebutting and I expect him to just stop making more fun out of himself. Then this morning he has to come up with "you already got a post deleted under you(referring to the "loophole" code thread). You want to get the thread shown to others?" I am like fucking by all means lol. It will only show what an idiot he himself is. I thought things will stop there but no. That idiot has to come up with new attacks as the previous one doesn't bloody work on me by saying I am showing off to gain popularity by posting the code stubs and that I create new accounts to support myself. For goodness sake, I am online from the office and had been shown online all along in the office. So how could I create another account to just support myself at the same time using one single ip address? No brains isit?

Fine if that is not enough to get me bursting, I get home and my dad says he had enough with the puppy and going to give up on having him. I am like WTF again. Seriously I am already stressed sick and to the max. I don't need anything extra to think that will really blow my mind off. I am really lost for words. I don't know what I will do if puppy was given away. I might just go nuts and run amok. Then after bathing only did I realize that I actually I sprained my shoulder-neck muscle. It's so bloody painful that I have to support my arms to type this post using a pillow. Seriously if things continue to be in this way, I might just explode. Maybe someone superior is just having fun torturing me here. Sigh.

As if all that wasn't enough, the pictures of the Israel-Gaza war victim adds to my depression. To those who know me well, you guys would know I seldom curse but my stress levels are at it's max now so mind my language here in this post. I know that vulgarity is also at it's max here but do bear with me ok?


alien said…
I`m not read all yr post since it tooo long..
just be patient bro..
life is journey.. that all problem make us more stronger and mature..
so, dont depress..
try relax.. get a rest.. take a walk closely with nature..
Kellaw said…
alien - welcome here. I know la. I am a positive guy but things really went out of hand and i just need some place to vent off my stress and anger ma. i did walk with nature if you actually read the post you would know but even nature is turning its back on me.

i can handle them one by one but they all come to me at one go. that's why i wrote this post lo.
Lisa said…
why hide it that way? lolx
anyway, take it easy.....
vent it out somewhere... shout, bang the wall....kill some insects...
play with cats or dogs...
alien said…
owh, i jus finish read all..
what can i say..
neway, i`m alien13... let exchnge link
Kellaw said…
Lisa - sensitive issue ma. and i still want to post it so that way lo. take it easy? feel like strangling someone but i know that is not right. shout later no voice and sore throat(throat beginning to feel itchy despite drinking lots of water already if you know what I mean). bang the wall later the wall break or my head end up bleeding(lau man fan). kill insects like very cruel(how about biawak?). i hope i can still play longer with puppy...haih...

alien - linked. no need say anything. haih
Josephine said…
This post not really hidden lah.
The font color is different.
But any how, as ur blog reader, I still know how to read geh....
Kellaw said…
don't la tell it out. it's different by 1 pixel color only. i malas want adjust la.
Calvin Soo KJ said…
hmmmmm....life is stressful and life has many challenges. you've got a long way more to go bro. take it from me, patience is the essence. ive got tonnes of craps that i can share with you, maybe not thru this blog. you can mail me if you need advice. im no psychiatrist and im no doc. but can share-share experience lar.....cheers and god bless.. :)
Kellaw said…
been very patient liao calvin. just releasing some here or else i will really go ding dong for keeping so much of pressure with myself.

i need more fishing sessions but the lake next to office is guarded. sigh
Samantha Chong. said…
Be patient.
Life's like this.
You have to follow what people say/do.
And bout those hypocrites, you need to be twice as them to beat them!
Cheers! XD
Kellaw said…
clef - i am being moderate liao. can be even more vulgar and harsh but i know of a 13 year old who always come visit my blog one so have to set good example to siu di di. I can just f all the people if I want to but at what price? I stand to lose out in the end. maybe i should let my last day to let out everything.

Yee lin - welcome to my blog. On the contrary in don't usually follow what others say because I believe everyone has their ways of doing things. I just don't bother only. I can confront people direct but no point in doing so in my case. I wouldn't stoop so low as to be a hypo to beat them. the best punishment for them? forgive them. It drives them nuts i tell you.
Isley Chang~ said…
i found le your hidden message...
but havent finish read yet. later i be back later.
Kellaw said…
Isley. what took you so long to find it?
Bok said…
I guess by the time I write this? You are all better?

You will survive this lah. 2-3 years down the road you will laugh at this and at the company as well. I think the internship won't be that long? So close one eye then it'll pass by quickly.

They shud be happy that you still care about your work. They haven't seen some totally fucked up interns yet. Btw, I was expecting a lot of the f word you know since you were so pissed. :-p

I think I am anti organization o.O
Kellaw said…
Guat Im - Still same shit la. i am demoted to visitor status...

i wrote this just to let things out only ma.

i can be fucked up if i can. now i am chasing them for more work. hahaha.

i restrained from using more f word la. i duwan my blog getting banned by kid control software

i am anti organization too. lol
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